Now then, as they say in these parts, I was happening to read my Saturday rag when I leafed over to, "LET'S MOVE TO....Great Bickering, North Yorkshire" compiled by some Southern hack called Tom Dyckhoff. Well, I could have choked on my black pudding and lard breakfast butty!
Why didn't Tommy ask SC and I to pen this piece - I mean, we're just the folk who know all about 'moving to Great Bickering' and we could do with the £10 journalist fee.
Okay, Tommy, here are a few FAR more interesting things that Great Bickering has 'going for it':
.....our lovely old Castle Cinema has gone and soon to be forgotten - bought by some property developer. Philistine! Blub, blub. And what's become of the stuffed badger that stood in the foyer?
.....Scandal 1 - local councillor runs off with thousands in cash and a local schoolgirl,
.....There is a Conservative Club, a Liberal Club but no Labour Club, Green Club or UKIP Club,
.....The Star Inn has fallen from the pedestal of 'greatest restaurant in Britain',
.....Seasons has gone bust! We await the naming of the resurgent but now severely understaffed store,
.....Scandal 2 - the illegal parking in Market Place rivals Golders Green Road but without the BMWs, Mercs and blue rinses,
.....Try hanging out at Caffe Stop (rather than Concorde),
.....Tobogganing behind our house is the best in North Yorks,
.....Don't fret if you need a hair makeover - Great Bickering is overloaded with hair salons,
.....Market Day on Monday is a sociological treat - retired farmers gather in clumps and dressed as they have for 50 years and talk a language all of their own,
.....Scandal 3 - Hey Tom, why NO mention of North Yorkshire's finest Library in Great Bickering. A top place.
.....and lastly a royal mention of Great Bickering Castle - ruined but standing and in the fief of King William IV and Queen Kate.
So, Tommy, why not come to Great Bickering and do a proper 'outsider' literary makeover - you could stay in our pigbarn and we might even clear it out for you.